So within the last few weeks I had been spiraling into a low point in my life, up until the point where I didn't even want to look in the mirror. I didn't understand why I was upset, had little patience, or wanted to seclude myself from everyone. I didn't care to understand and didn't want any help. I wanted to be upset and quiet for a while until I could figure out how to get out of it on my own.
It wasn't until this past week when my good friend called me out on why I had been basically "hiding" from people. After a long talk for over 2 hours, we finally narrowed it down to why everything started and how it continued to get worse; I had been believing the lies Satan had been telling me. I had been listening to myself instead of preaching the Word and following that. I had been assuming the worst and going with it. I had been assuming the outcomes of situations before they happened and went with it. I had been seeking people and been let down, leaving me to believe I was unimportant. For months, I believed the lies that dragged me into a pit of self-destruction. I built up a wall to shield me from being hurt anymore because I was confused why people I thought were my friends would hurt me and still want to be around me. I had that wall there to shield others from the guilt I felt from my sins. I had that wall up because I didn't want my bitterness to rub off on others.
I had been trying to seek consistency with my friends because the feeling of hurt was something I didn't want to deal with. I never thought that friendship involved hurting each other, unintentionally. But my friend had to tell me that "real" friends WILL hurt you, but not with intention. They may not realize it, but they don't mean it.
I had been hurt by reaching out and feeling shot down by others. I felt unimportant and as if I was elastic. People could stretch me out and use me any way they wanted. My friend had to tell me that when it comes to caring for one another, people suck at it. They care, they just aren't always so great at communicating it.
I had also been falling into the temptation of procrastination (didn't realize that until that evening). I had been putting off forgiving others until I felt better. I had been putting off confronting others about things because I was afraid of being hurt. I had been pulling away from the Word because I felt the burden of guilt.
All of these things had been causing me to spiral into a deep period of seclusion. I thought no one cared because no one reached out to me, but I had been shutting myself out to the point that no one knew. And when they did find out, I felt pity. I was in a place where I couldn't sense real kindness; I saw it as something they felt they had to do... But I very quickly came to my senses that it was me who was believing these things and the truth was "that they actually cared."
Since then, things are patched up, people have opened up, and the bitterness has gone away. The Lord worked that conversation with my friend to show me what life I had been living for the last few months. It explained why I wanted to run to nature and never come back. It explained why I thought people didn't want to be around me. It explains why I felt so alone. But it also showed me that my faith needed nourishment and growth. I needed to invest more time in the Word so that if another low point happens, I can preach the truth to myself instead of believing the lies. I had allowed my feelings to control me instead of the truth. When I allow the truth to control me, the feelings will follow.
"Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. "
James 1:21
“But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall. ”
Matthew 7:24-27
Without the Word of God as our foundation, we will fail. It makes it too easy to believe the lies and fall away on our faith. We will sink and fall. But we have a God who saves us which should encourage us all the more to get in the Word and live it out! We serve a God who doesn't hate us or judge us because we reject and fall away in dark times. He loves us and will pick us back up! We serve a God who wants nothing more than for us to love Him the best we can and to constantly seek Him out and reject sin!
So, reject sin and seek out the Lord fully with your whole heart.
Until next time fellow readers...
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